now it's the time!

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Hello World! (again)

     Hello there lovely people? How are your lives rolling these days? Oh, mine? Mine is doing just great...

     Actually that is a lie... Nothing is going great... OK, yes. But not great. I am a 27(almost) year old woman with no precise purpose... 2 years ago, I have moved to a brand new country, with the intention of leaving my old self behind and doing my best-est to improve in every single aspect of my life. The thing is... what I did, was to actually drag along all my old dreams and wishes and forcing them into this new life that I choose for myself... well...imagine the surprise when I got to the realization (finally) that it simply does not work like that.

     You can not change the whole context of the matter, but expect everything to just adjust automatically... Don't know if I am making myself clear...I guess what I am trying to say is that I thought I continued wanting the same things from my life as I did 3 years ago... and am now suddenly being aware that it is not the case...

     Thinking like that...feeling all pressured and forced (by myself), brought me nothing but disappointment, dissatisfaction and disbelief... I have never imagine I could feel so low about myself...all the confidence and knowledge that I used to have back in my hometown, now simply vanished... I crawled into this little space that means relying in a 80%  proportion on my husband, being afraid of making phone calls, starting something new and generally not feeling like...anything!

     Although I wouldn't say I have become a complete vegetable - I still learned a brand new language, got a degree as an Event manager, adjusted to a new mentality system, met new people and even made some new friends (no easy task these days), learned to salsa and did I mention my greatest accomplishment? ...making and keeping a home! I am not going to comment on how good or bad I am doing it, I find that just the fact that we are still alive and kicking after 2 years of living together represents enough proof... and if that is not enough, I am currently learning Arabic from German, as a Romanian and (successfully) planning our wedding!

     These are just some things that come of the top of my head and fit in my new attempt of being happy with the way time passed and giving myself some credit! As my good friend would say...I have yet to realize all the things that I have managed to learn and all the ways in which I have successfully adapted in this brand new environment I now call home.

     Success!!! Now that I brought myself to realizing all of these things... what IS the next step? How do I get my life rolling and start with what I want to do? How do I know what it is I want to do first?

    You know what...  No pressure...not anymore...I am now seeing a glimpse of my long lost confidence and dare say that I will figure everything out! And I will take my time doing so! And I am going to enjoy it! I am no longer going to be trapped in my own  limits and I will no longer hide... World, here I am!  (again)

Lately...on Instagram

I don't know if I should appreciate the simplicity provided by Instagram, or just apologize for being so lazy to take out my camera lately... But this will have to do for now... Here's what we've been up to... ;)

                   Trying Chinese food                                                               a breakfast

                     Crazy-sudden-snowy-day in April                                      Same day - 70km away

                   Celebrating Catholic Easter                                               Oh...yummm

              They are waiting for a baby                                                         Cat lover

                                      A perfect salad                                                   Evening in the neighborhood

           Finally got to making our picture wall                                              Healthy snack

                       Arabic dinner                                                                   Fruit bowl

                                   Orthodox Easter :)                                                Time at my favorite bookshop

                       My Ana visiting :)                                                                 in the city

                          yummmm                                                                       pizza night

Happy Easter!

 

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Insta-moments

 Beautiful Flowers 

 A delicious moment

 Our breakfast

 Monthly Glossybox arrived

 Early in the morning

 Lunch with a friend

 Been hitting the gym lately

 Made it as a gift for some dear family-friends

 Love SPRING

Healthiest-prettiest snack

happy spring!

pinterest.com

Great movies!

Nostalgia?

 

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      It happens so rarely that we look back at ourselves...at the people that we used to be...and the actions that occurred and the way people have been affected... I am not talking any philosophy here...it's simple...we look back trough our memories and remember things in certain ways...we remember people and places and events, but we really don't look back thinking... 'What was I feeling in that moment? Why did I do that? How come I said these things? '

     I guess one of the reasons we don't particularly do that is because it might happen that we won't like it, we won't be our greatest fans...and there is nothing we can do to change any of it...

    So... I held some journals... all the way trough the most important part of my teenage life... I kept them safe from strangers sight and my own... I have them still. They are here with me and I decided to read them...I decided to take a look back...to myself. And I am not the greatest fan!

     It's just so funny how the things that I remember now, look so much different written freshly on the paper... how the meaning of my own scribbles and drawings are simply different now... The only thing that remained the same, is the impact that all these events have had on me... How I have changed under the influence of time... to become greater and mature... well, at least compared to that particular time!

    Of course I am not going into details. I will not tell the stories. I protected the privacy of my journals so much, that even I shouldn't be reading them...

     But here are some facts... I was always passionate, generous, friendly and beautiful. I was always aware of myself and others. I was always confident and right. I was always well mannered and my intentions were good. I believed in many things...strongly! I was truthful and honest and I fought for myself and for others!

     I was also spoiled, mainly because I always had more than one option to any request, in any situation... I guess that is what being spoiled really means... not knowing when , how and who to choose to be making the right choice...

     I had moments that were shocking in my life, maybe some people would be truly shocked to ever know they happened to me... and some of them were life-changing. I had friends whom I loved, turn their backs and leave me...that is what made me selfish. I suffered a lot! I remember all those nights of honest crying...the most honest I have ever cried in my life...

     But then I did the same to many others... I was so self-centered and blind at times, it kind of makes me want to go back and slap myself a bit... I screamed at people...and I made them feel small... I hurt and made other people suffer....and I shamelessly took advantage of their weaknesses.

     I made mistakes, many of them...some mistakes of the sort that makes high school feel like hell for some people... I was careless with the people I wasn't interested in... I think it's bad that I even had 'people I was interested in'...

     I was bad the same way I hated others for being bad to me... a bully. I turned my back as well and I left people crying behind.... I was cruel...just like everyone else...

     And here I am now, looking back, wishing that I was different...wishing that I was that more special. Wishing I knew at least a little about the things that I know now about humanity, generosity and selfless love! About caring and cherishing the time we had with other people...

     I really wish I was that person that people remember dearly, knowing that one way or the other I enriched their lives... but I don't think I am that person... Nor will I ever know...
   
      This introspection here is not going to help me find out. In the end, I need acceptance... for the things that I can not change in my past. And for all the good and the bad that got me to this point in my life. It's a damn good point to be living in, I'll tel you that! :)