Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Nostalgia?

 

      It happens so rarely that we look back at ourselves...at the people that we used to be...and the actions that occurred and the way people have been affected... I am not talking any philosophy here...it's simple...we look back trough our memories and remember things in certain ways...we remember people and places and events, but we really don't look back thinking... 'What was I feeling in that moment? Why did I do that? How come I said these things? '

     I guess one of the reasons we don't particularly do that is because it might happen that we won't like it, we won't be our greatest fans...and there is nothing we can do to change any of it...

    So... I held some journals... all the way trough the most important part of my teenage life... I kept them safe from strangers sight and my own... I have them still. They are here with me and I decided to read them...I decided to take a look back...to myself. And I am not the greatest fan!

     It's just so funny how the things that I remember now, look so much different written freshly on the paper... how the meaning of my own scribbles and drawings are simply different now... The only thing that remained the same, is the impact that all these events have had on me... How I have changed under the influence of time... to become greater and mature... well, at least compared to that particular time!

    Of course I am not going into details. I will not tell the stories. I protected the privacy of my journals so much, that even I shouldn't be reading them...

     But here are some facts... I was always passionate, generous, friendly and beautiful. I was always aware of myself and others. I was always confident and right. I was always well mannered and my intentions were good. I believed in many things...strongly! I was truthful and honest and I fought for myself and for others!

     I was also spoiled, mainly because I always had more than one option to any request, in any situation... I guess that is what being spoiled really means... not knowing when , how and who to choose to be making the right choice...

     I had moments that were shocking in my life, maybe some people would be truly shocked to ever know they happened to me... and some of them were life-changing. I had friends whom I loved, turn their backs and leave me...that is what made me selfish. I suffered a lot! I remember all those nights of honest crying...the most honest I have ever cried in my life...

     But then I did the same to many others... I was so self-centered and blind at times, it kind of makes me want to go back and slap myself a bit... I screamed at people...and I made them feel small... I hurt and made other people suffer....and I shamelessly took advantage of their weaknesses.

     I made mistakes, many of them...some mistakes of the sort that makes high school feel like hell for some people... I was careless with the people I wasn't interested in... I think it's bad that I even had 'people I was interested in'...

     I was bad the same way I hated others for being bad to me... a bully. I turned my back as well and I left people crying behind.... I was cruel...just like everyone else...

     And here I am now, looking back, wishing that I was different...wishing that I was that more special. Wishing I knew at least a little about the things that I know now about humanity, generosity and selfless love! About caring and cherishing the time we had with other people...

     I really wish I was that person that people remember dearly, knowing that one way or the other I enriched their lives... but I don't think I am that person... Nor will I ever know...
   
      This introspection here is not going to help me find out. In the end, I need acceptance... for the things that I can not change in my past. And for all the good and the bad that got me to this point in my life. It's a damn good point to be living in, I'll tel you that! :)

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