Sunday, April 28, 2013

Bad days

      You know the kind... Everybody has them... Some, more often than others. Personally, I think I am a pretty happy cookie, but sometimes the 'dark side' catches up with my thoughts and I am feeling a bit confused...
     I don't enjoy exposing these deeply personal feelings out in the open like this, so I will keep things brief.
     This time it's about the realization that the person I wish I would be does not coincide with the person that I am. I mean we all have somewhere in the back of our heads an imprinted image of who we would like to project into the world. Maybe it's an ambitious, but fair person. Maybe it's kind and generous. Maybe lively and knowledgeable. Maybe incredibly irresistible and full of confidence...
     As days and days go by, we tend to (maybe) unconsciously work on that projection. Put all of our thoughts, behavior, capabilities and strength into that particular projection and we think we are good. Well on our way to representing this person that we imagined. We may be even getting a little cocky, as people around us are complimenting and cheering on our particularities, ensuring a feeling of success and accomplishment.
     That is when it usually happens. 'What if it isn't so? What if thinking that we are what we really wish to be, is actually not an accomplished thing? It must be to good to be true...'  There is always a small crack of doubt that gets bigger and soon counteracts all of the positive feelings we own, replacing them with even more doubt, uncertainty, confusion, stress, panic, anger and sadness.
     In the midst of all the anguish and thrill revolving around packing our home here in Munich, trying to figure everything out, seeing all of our dearest friends, spending a bit more time with our family, moving and my upcoming birthday, this is how I've been feeling. It is not a pretty sight, that is certain!
     Already feeling much better, hence the open talk you've just witnessed. But I can't help wondering, how many times must a person start over and learn the same lessons in life in order to completely avoid making the same mistakes and actually getting nearer and nearer to this imaginary personality?

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