Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Life happened

      For the people that actually know me, it is most obvious that I have avoided sharing something here on my blog. Yes, it is meant to be a scrapbook of my day to day experiences, but sometimes I struggle with the information I should or should not be sharing openly.

     Then again...I find writing and sharing my thoughts somewhat therapeutic, so I think when something major happens in my life, it should be mentioned here as well.

     On New Year's Eve, as we were making our way to see the fireworks in Dubai, my heart so full of happiness, I told my husband how lucky and blessed we were for having everything. We are in love, happy together, in good health, have no particular needs that are unmet, we live in a wonderful place and have a home with a view most people only dream of and now we were about to become parents. This was the announcement I was going to make here on the blog, as I made it on Facebook and  Instagram over the holidays. It was a nice surprise that we couldn't wait to share with our families and loved ones on Christmas. We were happy this has happened to us and I stepped into the New Year believing in what I had, with all my heart!

     But this new year, was about to show me otherwise. Five days in, I went for a check-up,  excited to show my mother-in-law what would have been her very first grandchild, only things didn't go as I thought they would. This wasn't my regular Dr's  office, making things even more uncomfortable. I had a few questions which I happily addressed to the ultrasound technician, until I saw her expression change and a weird smile froze on her face.
      I was staring at the monitor and quickly realized...shouldn't there be some vibration? Some colors, indicating there is live tissue over there? She wrapped things up rather quick and asked me to wait outside till the Dr would ask me in again. I somehow managed to ask if we would hear the heartbeat and her answer made the blood freeze in my veins... 'Not this time' she said... 

     That was it.... I remained in the clinic for another hour or so....which seemed like forever. I was surrounded by newborn babies and extremely pregnant women and I just distinctly remember wanting to scream...In my head I think I was...

    Giving this news to my husband was the saddest thing I ever had to say to him...the same way as it was the happiest when I told him we were pregnant for the first time.

     After that I was really sad and angry. I never thought this could happen to us, to me. I had a check-up with my Dr the next day and she confirmed and explained everything clearly. We didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't a physical or medical problem. It was a chromosomal issue which didn't allow our fetus to develop past 8 weeks. Once we understood that, there was no sense in further questioning the why and how's... We would have to accept that it happened and move on. In that time it seemed like the most difficult thing to do...

     I felt rather numb the first couple of days...did not want to discuss this nor explain myself to anyone, but then a few dear friends from Romania and Germany wrote me such nice things, asking how I felt and how the baby was growing. So it was pretty clear that we had to make some sort of announcement that our baby won't be growing any longer. That it was lost and now we have to move on.

     Soon after I posted on Facebook and Instagram, I started to receive a lot of nice words from so many people. It was somewhat comforting to know that other women, friends of mine, have been trough this experience. As selfish as it sounds, that helped me a lot. It took out the feeling of failure and made our loss a more of a common situation rather than an extraordinary one. I was very surprised by all this. Receiving so many messages sharing this same experience and telling me over and over that this will soon be forgotten and I would naturally move on with my life, no matter how sad it is at the moment, reinforced my opinion that such situations must be shared and explained to people rather than kept hidden.There is no shame in what happened.

      I have always been the kind of person who chose sharing such intimate problems over suffering in silence. I always found comfort, release and most importantly, great advice every time I needed to speak about certain situations in my life. From where I stand it can only help make you feel better, so I am most grateful to my friends, all the wonderful, strong women who have been trough this same experience and chose to share it with me. They helped more than they will ever know! Most of them have one or more healthy, beautiful children by now, so this gives me even more peace. 

       It was a great loss, but here I am 3 weeks later and the sadness is almost gone. Yes, I still think about it, my life had  a great purpose and now it is gone. Having to switch my entire mind frame and refocus is not easy at all. I still get sad sometimes and the thing that makes me sad the most is that it happened so soon and I will never know if our baby was going to be a boy or a girl... But now it is over and I choose to feel good and look forward to whatever God has planned for me and my family in the future.

     Believing that everything happens for a reason and that there is a lesson to be learned in every experience we have in our lives, whether they are good and happy experiences or bad and dramatic, has also helped me move on. I am sure that this was meant to make me stronger and prepare me and my husband in areas we were probably not yet prepared. We had to learn from one another and become even closer together after sharing this experience.

     Another thing I learned is that it is OK to be happy and believe in what you have, but whatever it is that you have, you must cherish and adore, because it can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I learned to appreciate everything, a bit more. My body first of all...which proved it knows far more than I do and whom I have to listen and care for much more. My husband, who is indeed the greatest pillar and support in my life and whose love I feel everyday, more than ever! My family and friends whom I would like to thank forever for all the closeness, kindness and love that they showed me, not only now, but always. And of course I have appreciation for the beautiful things in my life, you know which ones... The ones a lot of us maybe have and take for granted, the ones that not everyone has and I took for granted...
     And most importantly, I came out on the other side of this experience understanding more of what is of true value. I came out believing a little more.  I think that was my lesson. And i will continue learning, as we all do. There is no other way of moving forward and we certainly can not move back.

     P.S.  I am not sure how much sense this all makes to other people, but I am happy I marked it here on my blog.
             I do wish to thank my friends again, for being so close to me, even though physically we are so far apart.
             It took me a looong time to put this post together. There are many things I simply can not articulate or fit into a public post of this nature, but I am happy to have shared my experience.

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