Friday, June 8, 2018

Fears



     Some time back, after a conversation with my friends about our fears and each of them admitting to be afraid of heights, deep water, airplanes, spiders or crowded spaces... I thought... hmmm... This isn't anything I fear. I think I have a very healthy stance when it comes to fearing my own death as in... I never ever think about it, I have no control over it once or ever, hence, I have no fear of things which may cause it...

      But here's something I do fear.

     PEOPLE. I have admitted this before, but never really went into it. I fear being judged, I fear being labeled,  especially if it is by someone who doesn't know me well enough, I fear being criticised by the ones that do know me, I fear being misunderstood, which often happens, I fear not being good enough to match up with the people I care for, I fear failing those around me, I fear being looked down upon, I fear  the awkwardness of quiet moments in a conversation or not having anything interesting to say, I fear being left out. I fear not knowing people's real feelings towards me.... I could go on and on...

    Take this blog right here as an example. I never had dreams of becoming one of those super popular bloggers that makes a living out of this, the one thing I always hoped would happen , would be to have a space that is attractive enough for other people to look at, but still very much my own personal space of expression and safe-keeping of my dearest memories. Now it's true that I never felt up for putting in all the tremendous work that successful bloggers do, but the biggest holdback for me was the fear of putting myself out there. To be vulnerable and share my true thoughts and intentions regardless of what my friends or strangers of the internet might think...

     One of my favourite bloggers has recently come back to social media after a 3 month hiatus,  and spoke precisely about this. About how necessary it is for people (like me) to see that it is ok to share yourself and be honest. That it is not about airing all your dirty laundry online, but about showing that life has it's ups and downs for all of us and it is normal and healthy to talk about it. That things are not 100% picture perfect and our lives are not always formed of neatly curated Instagram squares. It is ok to open up and ask the questions that are eroding our self-trust. It is ok to show yourself as you are, with goods and bads, so that other people (like me) don't end up feeling inadequate.

     Another example that has been keeping me up at night and down low pretty much every day lately, has to do with mothering my child and teaching her. I have so many great parenting examples on my feed, that I scroll through all the time and pick up all the great ideas that could apply to our situation, but then I inevitably end up feeling guilty. Am I making the right choices? Do i do enough for her? Am I teaching her the right way? Shouldn't I be making more 'hand-made' activities for her? Should I be taking her places that I am not? Am I feeding her the right amount of this or that?

     It's easy to get lost in self-doubt and frustration when all those little Instagram squares show amazing mothers who have the time and energy for all the hand-crafted and Pinterest-worthy activities. They have time for baking cupcakes WITH their kids and playing dress-up and take amazing pictures to prove it all. It seems their kids will be light-years ahead of mine on the development scale, because I don't always find the stamina to put all those great ideas to use, to create all the Montessori set-ups and teach my child in detail about all the different insects or the water cycle in nature. Most times I choose to plop her in front of a screen when its time to make dinner, because I'm not organised enough to have her there to 'help out' or else we wouldn't ever get to sit and eat our food. Also my kitchen counter does NOT look Instagram-ready 95% of the time, so it really makes no sense to even try to take a picture of whatever it is we ARE doing. You get my point...

     Now this post is not meant to bring anybody's mood down. Quite the contrary. I hope if anyone reads this, they'll understand that we all have our dark moments with doubts, frustration and negative feelings. That depression can rear it's ugly head in anybody's back yard, regardless of our social status, lifestyle choices, cultural background or potential. That we can all feel inadequate at times, no matter how well we actually may be doing... We are all afraid of something and I think not being good enough or interesting or knowledgeable enough is on the top of most people's list of fears. We are just  not perfect.
And that is ok. And it is something we can share online. And we should!

     I hereby solemnly swear to try my best to write more on this here blog (that I have somewhat abandoned the past year and a half). I will put myself out there and share my thoughts precisely and not be afraid of who might take a peak or even start a conversation. Cheers to that!

   



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